In a relationship.

Sometime last year, this conversation happened:

Me: Break na ba sina J at J?
Jesca: Oo yata kasi hindi na sila "in a relationship" sa facebook.
Me: Sabi ko na. Ang bitter kasi ng mga posts ni J.
Jesca: Magkakaroon ba ng notification sa facebook na "J is no longer in a relationship with J?"
Me: Aba, malay ko. Eh simula nung nagfacebook ako eh hindi ko pa naranasang maging "in a relationship."
Jesca: Sorry na. Sorry na.

I confess.

I have long wanted to change my status in facebook to "in a relationship." I had been single and bored for a long time that I wanted the attention a.k.a. to have my fifteen minutes of fame in facebook by changing my relationship status and having people like and comment on the relationship status change to have a lovelife. But no, never did opportunity present itself. It has been more than two years since I've been the sometimes-happy, sometimes-heartbroken single girl that I am and no matter where I look, I wasn't able to find the "with" in that relationship status I have so longed for.

Okay, well, that's not totally true. I dated a few people hoping they will be "the one" (LOL) but somehow, our ends weren't able to meet. (It was their fault. I am perfect LOL.) Some of them are just too intimidating; some are too socially awkward that they are NSFL. Some are exes I should stay away from because they're already committed to girls who I find... not pretty. One is the love of my life.

So, the love of my life. We have been been seeing each other for two years now. (Actually, it has been eleven years but it's a long story you'd have to read all the posts in this blog and my old blogs to understand the whole drama.) If that is so, why am I still single, you ask? To cut the story short, it's because we started seeing each other (again) on the you're-single-i'm-single-let's-be-together-until-we-find-someone-else premise. In short, no strings attached. It was me who initiated the idea, actually, because I know him and I was sure it wouldn't work out anyway. He agreed (of course he did, it's what every guy wants!). We had rules. We drew a line to keep us from going back to where we were when we broke up many years ago.

It had been two years, and somehow we forgot about the rules. He stepped on the line and erased that line.

I told my best friend what happened and he asked, "Did you say it back to him?"

I didn't. I got scared. I was scared that if I say it back to him, it would all be true. I was scared that if I say the words, I would shatter this perfect pretend world that we have and it would all fall apart. I was scared that I'd only get hurt in the end. Of course, I'll only end up hurt in the end.

I am scared. So here I am holding my feelings in and pretending I don't hear anything whenever he says it. I'm doing the right thing, I assure myself. I have to build a wall between us to protect myself, because... come on.

"Oh please, we all know how this movie ends. Ted falls in love. Love kicks Ted in the sprouts. Roll credits." (Marshall, HIMYM)

Now replace Ted with Kring.


Kids, this is the story of how Kring changed her mind about wanting to change her status in facebook from "single" to "in a relationship."

Let's call this story, "I'm too old for this shit but I'm still doing it anyway."